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Reflecting.

I've lost the greatest love of my life...I realize this, but it was years ago that I lost him. I will never have him again, he doesn't even know me now. I will never be complete.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Smartass

I KNEW looking at all of my old posts from 2007-2008 was going to depress me, yet I did it anyway! Smooth move, ex-lax.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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...

All I want...
Is to be in love again.
I haven't been feeling this in...who knows how long.
Maybe the days I was with you. Years ago.
It was the best of times, it was the wor-no, no.
It was just the best of times.
Oh, how I want what I cannot ever have again.


Posted via m.livejournal.com.

Jan. 27th, 2013

Well, great. I just wrote a whole nice entry about how I've been feeling for a super long time and it came out looking retarded. Hurray, thanks livejournal.

"Title Track"


Driving. He had been doing so for a couple hours now. The sun was starting to set on the narrow road ahead of him. He didn't care. He had no place to be, no one to report to, no responsibilities to tend to. He was alone...this is how he wanted, and needed it. 'I feel like I just want to get out of here. Just...get lost. Fuck everything, I need to get away' he had thought to himself earlier this day. The hustle and bustle of his life was really starting to get to him. Wake up early. Get in to work on time, only to sit there for 8 hours, and kiss ass when it needed to be kissed. Deadline? Screw your deadline. As long as I get this all done at some point...that should be good enough. Piss and moan about the job at hand. This was all too familiar to him. Problems at home were...well, 'problems at home' is enough, you get the picture. Stress was never a distant thing from his life, but at the same time, thats the exact thing he wanted to be distant from...his life.

"I could really go for a smoke." he says to himself as he puts his head back on the rest. His '98 toyota was always just a carrier for him...to work and back, work and back, this persons house, that persons house, work and back. Grocery Store. CD shop. Gas station. But this was different. He looked as if he was finally comfortable, like he didn't care about where he was going. With his left hand on the wheel and his right draped over the shift, he let out a sigh. A faint yellow-pink light shined through his window, across his eyes making him squint. He used to take pictures of the same exact kind of scene in the sky ahead of him. He had lost the desire in the previous years, though.

The radio was playing an alternative rock tune that is was just easy to tell...he's heard this tune so many times. Cringing as if to say 'this song again?' he pulls out a cd from his cd dock to the right of him and pops it in. 'Left uninspired by the crust of railroad earth that touched the lead to the pages of your manuscript...' he sang along with Gibbard after a somber sounding guitar intro. Singing along quietly, he found little moments to shut his eyes without letting it interfere with his direction. As soon as the song had started, he began thinking about...her.

They had been together now for a little over a year and a half. It made him sad to know that this was one of the things he was driving from. Sure, he loved her. With all of his heart. Things had just been so hard for the two of them lately. Fights over nothing. Tears, tense nights, and miscommunication. Sometimes...no communication at all. He glanced over to the glovebox where a picture of the two of them was being held up in the crease of the opening. He gave a half smile, as if to say 'I miss you, but not enough to turn around...'. He didn't exactly tell her that he was going on this little trip. They had talked about it a few days earlier when he told her that he was thinking of taking a lone trip sometime. She just passed it off as him being melodramatic, and gave him a hug and a playful peck on the cheek. He knew that she would probably be upset if he knew that he left everything without telling anyone. Not even his parents, who he still had a tight relationship wih, despite his less than negative outlook on life. He knew he had to deal with the consequences of his girl being mad at him. 'Wouldn't be the first time...' he had thought to himself when he was thinking about this. He knew it wasn't like they had plans or anything...she had to study for her exams coming up. She would just be upset at him being so careless about it all...but that's what he felt like being.

Pulled over from his journey to use the restroom, or to use the great outdoors as a restroom we'll say, he began to circle the area around his car. He started to wonder if anyone had tried to contact him, as his phone was contently kept in the glove box. He went to his passenger seat, reached through the window into his glove box. No New Messages. "That's just fine by me" he said to himself. He looked at the time on his phone. 8:32 p.m. Looking startled by this, he got back into his car and continued on his trip. There was, as it turns out, a couple stops he did have to make.

He pulled into one of those rest stops we wish was at every corner. You know, the ones that come complete with fast food chains, novelty mugs, lame ass keychains we know have been there since 2002, and best of all...booze. He figured "Why not...now I just have to figure out what the hell I want...", as he looked around curiously. He spotted it. Nothing terrific, but still something to make him feel warm. A bottle of 2007 white wine. Up he went to the cashier.

"20 on pump 3, please. Also, this." He says, placing his comfort of the night on the counter. The clerk looks him up and down.
"Can I see some ID?"
"Uhhmmm...sure...", as he pulls out his license. "You guys sure are careful around here, huh? I mean I thought I was old looking enough to...pass...", he says to the clerk who is looking at the license through his square brown bifocals while chewing on stale gum, as if he were trying to hide even staler breath.
"Just tryin' to make sure I'm not gonna lose my job to a buncha youngins who come in while their parents are loading up on gas, tryin' to pass off as 25 year olds buying hooch, their rears not lookin a day over their 5th grade carnival..." the clerk explains on. "Alright, this checks out alright. You're one of the good ones. Grand total will be $38.99."
He hands the clerk the cash, takes his ID and walks swiftly out of the door, while telling the clerk "Keep the change". The clerk, shaking his head at the graditude, or lack thereof, of his most recent customer, tosses his 1 cent change over his shoulder.

'Psyyyyyyychoooo...'
he says as he gets back into the car. He reaches over to his phone, which is now resting on the passenger seat. He opens it up. 3 New Text Messages.

Corrine (Love of My Life): Hey baby. Studying sucks. The only thing I wish to study...is your eyes looking into mine. xoxo. 8:59 p.m. Apr. 13th
Corrine (Love of My Life): I love you, darlin. 9:08 p.m. April 13th
Corrine (Love of My Life): My head hurts after studying so much. I'm going to lay down. I miss you...hope to hear from you soon =' (  9:13 p.m. Apr. 13th

"Oops", he says to himself. He glances at the time. 9:30. "Oh well. I'll talk to her when I get back."

He turns his car on, and is just about to reverse out of his spot when he hears 'bzzzzzzzz...bzzzzzzzz' and sees a fluorescent blue light up the whole right side of his car. He looks over to see who it is. It's his mother. He bites his lip, as if he's weighing the pros and cons. 2 more buzzes. "I've gotta pick up...I can't have her freak out...", he says, reaching for his phone.

"Hello!" he tries to sound as cheery for her as possible.
"oh hey, I was getting worried that you weren't gonna pick up..." she says in a concerned motherly fashion. "I was just talking to your aunt and she was talking about how Kevin is going into grad school..."
"Oh, well, that's...thats great mom. That Kevin sure is a smart guy.", he says, trying to sound sincere.
"Yes, well...you know how snobby your dads' side of the family is...anyway, how are you sweetie? Where are ya, what are ya doin?"
"Oh I'm just uhh...I'm uhhh, nothing really, mom. Just hanging out.", of course he wasnt gonna tell his mom that he was quite a long ways from home where he belongs..."hey, hows the dog? You were saying she wasn't feeling to well..."
"She's fine, I think she got into the peanut butter again...you know that when dogs eat grapes, its like poi-"
Looking somewhat bored and irritated, he cut in "Yeah mom, I think you already told me. I don't mean to cut things short, but I'm feeling really tired. I'm going to lay down. I'm sorry."
"Oh its okay, I didn't know you were so tired. You go get your beauty sleep."
"Okay I will, thank you for calling. Oh, and mom?" a trickle of mamas boy comes across his demeanor.
"Yes dear?"
"I love you."
"Aw darling, I love you too! I will see you soon!". She hangs up. He sits in his car, and a single tear forms in his left eye. Almost like where he wants to be again is in his mothers' arms. As if he should have taken that form of consolance over the bottle of wine still in his lap. The tear starts to come down his face and he quickly brushes it away.
"Shut up you fucking baby.", he says before he drives away.

Another hour goes by before he realizes that he has been singing to the same album for the third time in a row. it's alright though, it's one of his favorites. It's always been around for him when he needs it. He hears another buzz from his phone. He knows it can't be his mom again. He knows his girl is fast asleep by now. Being in a close enough distance from the phone, he picks it up with his right hand while keeping a firm left hand on the wheel. He quickly flips it open. A new text message. Luckily, he has just come to a stop sign in the road. Last thing he'd want to do is break a law on his venture away from home.

Cassie: Hey, kid. I was just checking out the new gaslight anthem album. it's pretty cool. it made me think of you. I hope you're well. We should hang out soon, I miss you. = / 10:48 p.m. Apr. 13th

After looking at this, he looks around realizing he is still at a stop sign...alone. He rubs his eyes, then quickly types back "Yeah that would be cool. I miss you too." He puts the phone down, shakes his head, and continues to drive.

Cassie. What could he really say about her? It had been almost 4 years since her. At one point, she was the love of his life. He often blamed her for his "broken" demeanor. She had toyed with him after when he no longer belonged to her. Like a cat would a mouse. Sure, they still kept in touch. But of course not a lot, because his bitterness would often get in the way. That, and he loved the girl he could currenty call his own. He didn't want her to worry about Cassie, because he knew that she knew about her. There was just still something about Cassie though that always left him...hurt. He figured it had been so long, maybe he's crazy. But he's always known since he was young. There's always going to be that one person we can't get away from. No matter how hard we try. While he drove, he felt his bottom lip. It was like he could still feel her kiss there. Like a cheap red wine that stains your lips when you drink it. She was a stain to him that he just could not remove no matter how much he tried to wash it. 'whatever.' he quietly whispered to himself. 'i'm fuckin tired.'

12:08 a.m..He was settled in a cheap hotel he had came across off the main road. He had laughed at the sign earlier when he arrived. It said "ROCKY ROAD INN. Where you will have the sweetest of dreams!". He chuckled to himself and thought "If the guys could see me now..."

The air smelled of stale cigarette smoke and 'old lady perfume', as he had called it when he walked in. It was somewhat comforting to him though. It reminded him of his grandmothers house. She had passed away 5 years earlier. They always had a tight bond, so he felt a strange comfort in the room. That, and with the 5th glass of wine he was consuming. He lay stretched out on the tacky blanket ridden bed. He was trying to act like he didn't mind where he was. He was half staring at a fuzzy colored television that was showing scrambled spanish porn. Every time the star of the etiquette ridden film would moan out a word explaining of their ecstacy, he would laugh to himself. "That's fuckin gnaaaaaaaarly dude..." he said to himself as if the room was filled with his buddies. Half laughing and half glancing around the room, his eyes returned to the nightstand at the left of him. He had placed his wallet on it, and could see a picture of his girl and him sticking out of it. His smile turned to a frown. "I miss that girl...I'm such a bad...bad guy...why the hell did I just...take off...I fuckin love her...I miss...I miss..."he says, before he falls into a steady weep. "damn wine." he manages to muster out of his lips during his drunken sob. He knew it was the reason for his fresh waterworks. Sniffling and wiping his tears away, he reaches for his phone and goes to her in his directory. He puts the phone up to his ear and bites his thumbnail nervously.

"...hehhh...Hello?" she says on the other line, not shy to show she was sound asleep.
"Baby! baby. Hey. I miss you. I love you. How...how are you doing? Oh man I was just sitting here thinking about you. I'm sorry...for...everything ever." he slurs out.
"Uhhmmm...for what? Are you drunk? Baby, what's wrong? Is everything alright?"
"Yeah. I uhhh. I took a trip! You know, that trip! I told you about it the other day...but you didn't believe me."
"Nuh uhhh, really? So...where are you? Want me to come to you?"
"No no no no no no, you'll see. I'll be back. I'll be back soon. But not tonight, I can't drive tonight.................." Long pause. "Baby? You there?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm here for you. Just a little concerned is all. I dont know why youd choose to take off...but as long as youre safe...and...not cheating on me!" she says, starting to giggle at the last part.
"Oh baby, no! I love you. I'm sorry...about...lately...fighting...fighting sucks! and theres gonna be no more!!!! Okay? okay."
"Sounds like a plan, sweetie. But...I'm so tired, I've gotta go back to bed. I'll see you soon, I love you."
"Oh I love you too sooooooo much babe" he says, even after she hangs up. Before he can close his phone, he passes out sprawled on the bed.

Morning. The sun is peeking through the foggy aired hotel and hits him in his slowly opening eyes.
"Ow." he says as he sits up, feeling his head. The empty bottle of wine is at his feet.
"Get the fuckoutta heeeeere!" he says as he throws the bottle expecting it to break but it does not. "I've gotta get out of here. Damn place."
Next to the hotel is a small shop for tourists such as himself passing through. He walks in hoping to find some cheap breakfast and possibly some aspirin to cure his headaches. Walking up and down the aisle, he spots a rack of sunglasses. He quietly sings to himself "nothin like a pair of cheap sunglasses" while playing air guitar. While walking to the cashier, a women passes him who quickly gets his attention.
"Hey, what are y-", he says as he looks at the woman. Shes a taller woman in a business suit. Her auburn hair falls right above her breasts and her half smile suggests confusion.
"I'm sorry...I uhh..." he tried to continue. "What is that perfume you're wearing?"
"Oh, well its...it's called Heavenly. By Victorias Secret...are you a victorias secret fan?" she says, with her half smile still intact."
"Only of the models", he coyly says while he looks down and blushes. "But no, uhh...it reminds me of...my girlfriend, that's all." he says, smiling.
"Ahhh, your girlfriend...well she's a lucky one!!" she says, looking him up and down, almost like a cougar at a sports bar filled with college men waiting for the game.
"Thank you...I...I wish to show her that someday..."
"Oh? Don't you think thats a little self centered of you?"
"No ma'am not at all...I only meant that...I want to give her so much love that when she looks back on her life...she'll remember me...and I will still bring a smile to her face." he said, beaming.
"Well. That's very respectable. I'm sure you'll do just fine!!"
"Thank you...well...have a nice day!" he said as he put down the necesseties he had thought to be so important just minutes earlier.

Walking out the door with the sun shining in on him, he had a smile on his face. He had done what he needed to do. He had gone where he needed to go. He learned what he needed to learn. It was something so simple...how did he not know? In order to find what he wanted to find, which is what he had already found, he jumped into his car, turned up his stereo and hit the gas, which possibly could have broken speed limits for parking lots.

He was headed...home.

THE END.

7/14/2010


After quite a long hiatus...

Wow, this is nuts. I haven't tended to this thing in so long. I didn't even bother putting Scatterbrained & Futures in here til now...and I liked those so much when I wrote them. I still do. The last time I think I really sat down and wrote things, I was in a sort of heartbreak delirium. Probably explains all the...heartbreaky...themed...things.

I decided a few weeks ago that I would like to get back into writing. Nothing specific, just short stories, songs, anything that really came to mind...I figure its a lot better than sitting on my ass all day and watching an obscene amount of episodes from box sets I have acquired over the past few years...

it's funny how I decided I wanted to write again. My mom told me that I used to write the best short stories as a child, and that my teachers would rave about them. So...thanks mom!!! And teachers!

I get stumped very easily. I may have some writing spurts where I can't stop coming up with things, but then get dry spells that last for...years, as it presents in this account.

So why am I using livejournal to do this? Well...I like typing. And before there was a myspace or a facebook, it was all about livejournal. I use it as an outlet. And, if its on livejournal, that means that anybody can see it. I kind of like that. I like to hear what people think of the crap I write. I'm open to opinions...of course...duhhh...

So, to those of you who take the time to read everything, thank you. Don't be afraid to comment. 

Scatterbrained, also from 2008


Thoughts fill my head, of come and gone.
Ideas stomp through my shaken mind.
Words I once heard now pitter patter in an offbeat tone.
Voices carry, from ear to ear, tell me of my dreams and hopes.
I'm prevented from the all-knowing, so instead I wonder.
There's no rest, these days it seems. So close, but unattainable.
No sleep for days, or so it feels. I'm sure they can tell, I know they can see.
Hair unkempt, oily yet soft.
Waist growing thinner by the days
no arms to be wrapped tight around it
only one set it would prefer.
Face pale and cocaine white while red
showing of scars passed.
Eyes blue focus on the sky, pouring down
I'm drenched in the above, and this I embrace.
Stress makes once strong hands now tremble.
Lips cracked, calling out Your name, Dear One
only hope; can You hear me now?
Praying for a light, and a path to guide.
Step one, step two, step three, step four
Dismiss, remiss, remorse, miss.
Step one.
Then step four.
Step four.
Step four.
Step four.
Step four.
Should I try it again?
Cause that's what it always comes back to it seems; I can never be certain.
Of course I'm okay, I'll make it through, I do.
Keep on, press on, keep pressing on.
"Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart, with quiet words I'll lead you in".
Scatterbrained like a heartsick baby, love makes me stay.
Cigarette burned to the filter. I must have forgotten it was there.
It's okay though, it's like I saved myself.
Cause cigarettes cause cancer.
But you are cancer.
Only instead of fighting for a cure,
I'm fighting for the disease.
Because it'll mean that you're with me.
You are with me.
You're with me.

-Written sept. 11th, 2008

 

Futures, from 2008


I wonder how you are
I wonder why I didn’t ask
If I was still your girl
On the morning you left
Choked up, I only said goodbye
And now I’m living in your songs
As if they’re my own, all written about you
Cause that’s what everything comes back to

When can I see you again
Those nights we had seem far away
We’ve got these plans for a life up ahead
Cause when we build these futures
Out of our bare hands
We know something’s there

I smelled your skin on my pillow late last night
As I searched for sleep, you were all I could find
So I asked Him for you back, my comfort in the dark
Eased my fears and dried these tears
Now all the clocks in this place are stuck at 12
They won’t move, and now time stands still
Cause they know what I’m after, they know what I want
Oh, why won’t they go?

When can I see you again
Those nights we had seem far away
We’ve got these plans for a life up ahead
Cause when we build these futures
Out of our bare hands
We know something’s there

And I just want to hear it again
Tell me there’s something more to look to
That these plans weren’t only a lie
And just to see those eyes again
Showing me twilight, and not only cloud
Cause when it rains here, it’s forever

When can I see you again
Those nights we had seem far away
We’ve got these plans for a life up ahead
Cause when we build these futures
Out of our bare hands
We know something’s there


 
-Written in April, 2008

The Rules of Friendship

It's funny how we're still here
So long ago, we broke away
Time away, to do us good.
Days apart to only add up to one
You say you need time to yourself
But I'm the only one you can turn to
[i know some day you'll understand]

you need me, need me
my arms are where you want to be
you're falling, you're falling
and only i can catch you
you're breaking, you're breaking
the rules of friendship
you call me, you call me
to see if I can set you free
and I know, that one day
you'll realize i'm all you need.

Late night drives just to be by your side
Tell me I'm all you can think of
When you say this, I know you're in deep
I'm just another addiction you've got in this damned world
Sure you'll try and say you don't need a girl by your side
but you love it when i'm there holding you through the night
Baby be easy on yourself and admit

you need me, need me
my arms are where you want to be
you're falling, you're falling
and only i can catch you
you're breaking, you're breaking
the rules of friendship
you call me, you call me
to see if I can set you free
and I know, that one day
you'll realize i'm all you need.

I admit, I can be the selfish one
Stealing you away from the rest of the game
But I was ready to forget
Up til the point you called again
asking for the chance to be by your side
So admit this to yourself
And I'll take back the tears that I cried
I know your stories , I know you well
And I know that I want you, but I'll never tell.

Lacuna

"Hot and cold, your eyes they glisten
Stomach churns, and you still won't listen
I've made a deal, I hope I can follow through
I shook the hand, now I can't see you.
Now all this time, I sit and I waste
All the days I wish I could erase
I know I don't, I've never made much sense
Of this life, and your words that live in past tense.

Grip this glass as I'll write this down
Somehow, my pleas never make a sound
Cry out to you, my sins and sorrows
I never knew they were so hard to follow

Now I lay, my body gets no rest
My heart beats, for you it beats in distress
My mind it fills, but these thoughts, they falter
Will we have an "ever after"?
Crimes we've done will turn to never
We've made the best of partners, so let's do this together
But I can't forget the things that tear me
So tonight I'll pray for clarity as I

Grip this glass and I'll write this down
Somehow, my pleas never make a sound
Cry out to you, my sins and sorrows
I never knew they were so hard to follow

Can't let you win, can't let you go so easily
Uncomfortable hold, it's not who I used to be
Wish I could smile, wish I wasn't so dependant
It's harsh but sometimes wish I never let you in

Grip this glass as I'll write this down
Somehow, my pleas never make a sound
Cry out to you, my sins and sorrows
I never knew they were so hard to follow."
-TC, 6/26/2008